Moving Forward

The last few weeks have been about moving forward. My parents had decided to settle back in GenSan. I finally broke my stubbornness and have decided to live my life without a human crutch.

It's time to look at life with a fresh perspective.

This time, my life will be grounded in reality. My depression will still recur. Nightmares will still haunt my sleep. Torrents of unwelcome news will still land on my feet. There will be bad days. But I know I will be able to take them in stride.

The past years have taught me one valuable lesson and that, we all walk in life alone. It doesn't mean we don't have a loving family or supportive friends. We all have, one way or another. But like any periodical exam, we have to stand against our demons alone. That way, we can fully fathom the extent of our courage and strength.

Not A Fluke At All

Broken Echo

If I am going to view my life as a silent movie, it wouldn't be mostly a happy reel. A lot of the scenes would be lonely and depressing.

But if I am going to open my mind and take the time to really look at each scene, I realized the universe has been kind to me.

If I am going to count the achievements I hold dearest,

• consistent honor student from grade school to high school
• graduated with honors
• ranked third in the licensure examination for chemists
• sold a painting during the first exhibit I joined
• finding the love of my life (coming soon)

I realized that these are opportunities (except the last one, because it still has to happen) to grow. When call to mind, it should bring a proud beam on my face instead of a shy smile, downplaying my achievements. These actions are not acts of humility at all, but veiled ungratefulness.

What came to me each time someone recalls my achievements is that those moments are a fluke; that they are gifts from the gods I don't deserve. I think it's the right time to acknowledge to myself that I deserve them; that I am great at something. 

Fields

When two out of my three paintings were sold last month, I took it as an affirmation that the first painting I sold wasn't a fluke at all. Since I was a kid, I have been doing art: using up all my grade school pads for sketching, driving my mother nuts with all my chalk drawings on the walls and decorating the boards in my high school. I am really good at this. I am not a master (for it takes a lifetime to be that) but I know I have an opportunity here to grow, and I am going to see to it that I will.

An Omen to Behold

This happened many months ago, before the summer of 2014. I came home from work, exhausted. I lied down to rest and this caught my attention.

In my old room, I mounted my paintings on the wall, purely to enjoy looking at the fruits of my creativity. It was that fateful afternoon, when a light from a setting sun strayed into the blinds and to my artwork, A Phantom in my Slumber.

I considered this as an omen. 

From that day on, I promised myself never to wander away from my artistic pursuit. You see, I always say I'll finish my Master's first, or write my report, prepare an exam, or let my depression run me over. Lately, or for the last year, these pursuits have exhausted me. Each day, I told myself, this isn't the right time.

There is one thing I realized after all these years. The right time is not somewhere in the future. The right time is now. If I don't act on my dreams now, life will just pass me by like an old silent movie. I'll get old and sadly wondered how it feels to follow another avenue of dreams. 

From that day on, I started painting again. Months later, I made several abstract pieces and three of which are up for sale. As of this writing, one piece has been sold, and another has been reserved and being prepared for shipment.

I know the coming months will be exhaustive. Choices would have to be made. And there will be times, I'll fall off the wagon. But I know, I can dust myself down and get back on again. 

For now, I'm just glad I am starting to live my life.